How to lead with empathy: tools are in the BOCS.
A lot has been said about the importance of customer empathy to business success. To be sure, understanding the perspectives of the humans you serve is key to providing highly valued products and services. Great companies know how to empathize with their customers.
Sometimes leaders forget customers aren’t the only humans they serve. Empathy is just as important inside the business, where understanding perspectives is key to creating high-performing teams. Great companies are led by people who know how to empathize with their team members.
Whether leading by way of authority or leading by way of example, a commitment to empathizing with others can positively impact individual relationships, teamwork, and the overall business. But how do you balance empathy in the workplace with the need to get things done? It’s like the tension between innovation and efficiency, the former requiring exploration and the latter execution. It would seem taking time to comprehend personal perspectives slows progress.
The opposite, however, is true. Just as early investment in a durable customer relationship serves as a multiplier for returns over time, investment in relationships at work provides value that compounds — increasing productivity, reducing costs (time, resources, effort), and enhancing the quality of results. All that is required is a shift in orientation: serve the people you work with as you serve your customers.
How might that look? Let’s take a real-life example of a workplace interaction lacking empathy and see how the introduction of empathy can create benefits and change the outcome.
In this case, a C-level leader met with a direct report to express their displeasure with comments perceived as challenging the executive’s point of view. Angered and defensive, the leader launched into a rant including a series of accusations, harsh personal judgments, and a demand for an apology. Surprised by the sudden attack and presumption of bad intent, the direct report was confused and shell-shocked. After thanking the exec for the feedback, the individual began to respond but was interrupted by a re-run of the complaints from start to finish. Shut down, unclear about the goal of the tirade, and fearing the ramifications of such an intense conversation, the direct report noted the time didn’t seem right for a productive conversation and requested continuation at a later time. With nothing resolved and no actionable results, both left the meeting unsatisfied. The direct report consulted with human resources, requesting guidance on how to approach the executive and manage the tense situation. The C-level filed an HR complaint against the individual alleging intentional disrespect, triggering an investigation by another human resource department. Two months later, after a protracted silence between the two, the HR complaint was unsubstantiated and dismissed in its entirety. Nothing had been gained, but a lot was lost: time, resources, the working relationship, respect, and trust.
There are many effective ways to engage with empathy. One particularly useful method is BOCS. BOCS is a solutions-based approach grounded in three components of empathy identified by renowned psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman: cognition, emotion, and compassion. The story above will be re-played with the use of BOCS to illustrate the kind of alternate ending that can be achieved when empathy is involved.
BOCS has broad application to many scenarios. It can help frame productive feedback conversations, support problem-solving, facilitate the resolution of conflict, encourage collaboration, and build strong teams. BOCS is meant to be unfolded one flap at a time, working sequentially from Breathe, to Observe, Connect, and Solve (Together). The following is how to open the BOCS:
Step 1 Breathe. Every situation should begin with a breath. The cause is breathing, and the effect is to pause. Forcing a moment of inaction helps take emotion out of the equation and that, in turn, creates an opportunity to view the situation more objectively. Emotions can hijack the brain and make it very difficult to assume positive intent, consider multiple perspectives, process information logically, and respond dispassionately. When we focus on breathing we connect with the tactile, and that transports us away from heightened states and to the present moment where we can find calm. This is where we need to be to empathize.
Step 2 Observe. Observation requires listening, watching, asking questions, and being open-minded. It serves the cognitive element of empathy. When we observe we begin to view situations in their totality, including how others may see the same set of facts differently. Observation illuminates alternate interpretations, motivations, and influences. It involves asking a lot of questions, such as what contributed to this situation, how did I contribute, what was good in concept but not in execution, what was unexpected but in hindsight a natural consequence of contributing factors? This facilitates breaking down circumstances and events in a way that identifies the good, the bad, and the neutral. This kind of observation results in clear, thoughtful, balanced communication.
Step 3 Connect. Connecting means engaging directly with others. It could be one individual or a group, but in every case involves a commitment to hearing and understanding. Addressing the two remaining components of empathy, connecting requires compassion and reception to the emotional experiences of another. It does not involve telling, accusing, or blaming. It is never about the person, only the observable situation. It never includes a judgment, only a set of observations. The goal is to elicit another’s point of view and provide them an opportunity to express themselves. The process of connecting will surface gaps in communication, perception, and expectations. Connecting prevents reactions based on false assumptions and is a powerful way to discover opportunities to make changes that can have a positive long-term impact on the individual, the leader, and the team as a whole.
Step 4 Solve — Together. The last step is to solve together — the step that involves getting things done. Solving together means collaborating on a plan to retain the good, displace the bad, and decide how to level up the neutral. Solving begins with articulating the desired outcome, soliciting ideas for getting there, and being receptive to exploring multiple options. Solving very rarely involves a mandate, edict, directive, or demand. Rather, it is a jointly agreed-upon path to a jointly agreed-upon destination. When all parties are actively engaged in the solving process two things happen: (1) the effort is more cooperative and likely to generate positive impact, and (2) everyone is invested in the solution and more likely to implement lasting changes.
Getting back to the example, let’s explore how the situation could have benefitted from an infusion of empathy.
In this case, the C-level leader takes time to breathe, calming their heightened emotional state. The leader recognizes the need to take time for anger and defensiveness to dissipate before initiating a dialogue with their direct report. In this more balanced state, the executive is better able to view the circumstances objectively and empathize. Next, the leader reflects on the situation to consider multiple perspectives, including their own bias, external triggers for their reaction, and positive motivations behind observed behavior. The executive can now decouple assumptions from fact and gain improved cognition. Having taken time for introspection and perception, the C-level dispassionately introduces a neutral version of the situation to discuss with their direct report. Spending more time eliciting feedback than giving it, listening carefully, and working to understand the individual’s point of view, the exec connects compassionately. Feeling supported and empowered by the bi-directional dialogue, the direct report is put at ease and participates with greater transparency. That openness, in turn, helps the two expose variances in viewpoints and differences of opinion. From there the C-level easily transitions to collaboratively defining the desired outcome and exploring solutions. Having been heard and approached cooperatively, the individual is encouraged and fully participates in reaching a joint resolution. Both leave the meeting satisfied and able to move on. There is no need for a continuation meeting at a later time. There is no need to involve multiple human resource partners or expend time on an investigation. Depleting emotions like anger, fear, confusion, and uncertainty are avoided. The working relationship is preserved. Multiple gains have been realized — for the individuals involved, the team, and the business.
In this version, the experience is less stressful for everyone and far less destructive. BOCS helps avoid the kind of emotional tension that can lead to rash actions that impact relationships in irreparable ways. Inviting empathy may well improve the relationship in the long run. And rather than necessitating multiple interactions and multiple resources to resolve the damage done by a lack of empathy, using a solutions-based approach facilitates a more efficient way to attain closure.
BOCS is one way to introduce greater empathy when serving the humans you work with. However you choose to go about it, any effort devoted to better understanding the perspectives of others will be eclipsed by the value it brings to you and the people you lead.
