Five ways to cope with a narcissistic leader.
Signs of a narcissistic leader.
This is a story about a technology executive with an acute case of narcissism. It will serve as an example to highlight tell-tale signs of a narcissistic leader, help explain their behavior, and suggest ways to cope. The executive will be referred to as Rishit, a pseudonym.
Soon after Rishit took over a tech organization, he introduced himself at a company-wide meeting. He shared a long list of accomplishments spanning a vast range of topics. The presentation culminated in one slide with three words in extra-large font: “I am GREAT”. This was the first sign and it was in bold print in front of everyone. When asked about leaders who inspired him, a protracted pause followed. Rishit finally settled on, “The great leaders I’ve worked for were able to recognize my excellence.”
Sign One: they think they are the best. If you are working for someone who strains to think of anyone better, more accomplished, or more knowledgeable than they are, this may be the sign of a narcissist. To a narcissist, they are the best (comparable only to a particular celebrity or idol they associate themselves with). Like a braggart, they make grandiose statements extolling their greatness. But the narcissist is trying to convince themselves as much as everyone else. They are at war with their insignificance.
As Rishit’s reign continued, he alienated those reporting to him. It’s not like he hadn’t warned them. He explicitly told the team “Never, ever disagree with your manager”. Sign number two. For Rishit, this meant counter him in any way and face ridicule; fail to exuberantly endorse him, and lose favor. The team was conditioned to praise him in meetings, creating comic scenes of excessive adulation like you might see on Saturday Night Live. Even body language could set him off. Rishit once angrily ripped into an employee who turned off their video to attend to a family matter, insinuating they intentionally set out to undermine him. In return, he set out to shame them, suggesting they were not fit for their role.
Sign Two: they hate to be challenged. If you are working for someone highly sensitive to contrary positions, where benign acts can be seen as a personal threat, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists have to be right. They cannot stand to be challenged. A narcissist cannot tolerate dissent or disagreement because that could jeopardize their superiority and power. They cannot cope with autonomous actors or inconvenient truths because that would mean relinquishing control.
Despite significant attrition, Rishit continued down the same path seemingly unaffected. He skillfully picked off challengers, and his tactics were surprisingly treacherous — including secretly recording conversations with his phone. A third sign. If Rishit couldn’t directly control, he would find indirect ways to influence, such as tarnishing the perception of others. He also made a practice of weaponizing HR to curb dissent and silence objectors. Rishit once filed a complaint against an unsuspecting new hire (on the job two months), fabricating an exchange that never happened. The newbie’s transgression? Offering a counterpoint to his opinion. His disregard for truth and logic made Rishit an unpredictable adversary.
Sign Three: they are manipulative and abusive. If you are working for someone who is hostile, prone to verbal attacks, or manipulates others, you might be encountering a narcissist. Narcissists are undeterred by personal and societal boundaries and have been described as stunning liars. Compelled to seek attention, affirmation, and admiration, they will unapologetically exploit people and situations for their gain. They dominate through emotional abuse and misappropriation.
As time went by, Rishit targeted people outside his team. He was prone to publicly bashing at least one person or group during meetings. Finger-pointing was commonplace, as were comments like: “ignore them they have no idea what they are talking about”. This was the fourth sign. Rishit refused accountability. Even his own miserably low leadership rating was blamed on his predecessors and poor-quality talent: “some people just aren’t cut out to handle strong leaders.” One-on-one meetings were typically used as a platform to complain about, criticize, or undercut other members of the team. Few were immune from being diminished, ridiculed, or devalued.
Sign Four: they blame and disparage others. If you are working for someone who belittles others, always has a scapegoat, or is prone to bullying, you may be experiencing a narcissist. Making others feel small, makes them feel better. Disempowering another gives them a sense of superiority. They take what they lack — self-confidence — to curb competition. A narcissist evens the playing field by ensuring everyone feels as worthless as they do.
When something went right, no matter how unrelated to his role, Rishit credited himself. He once spent 45 minutes of an hour-long review celebrating his contributions to the team. A fifth sign. This was not unusual. It happened so often it became a joke. When Rishit presided over a meeting, backchannel messages lit up with comments like: “and then Rishit cured world hunger” or “wait for it, wait for it… and there it is, Rishit has won another Nobel prize!”. When he was forced to acknowledge the contributions of others (during which he looked pained, as if reading a ransom note at gunpoint), he would simultaneously pat himself on the back: “nice presentation, good thing you used my idea”. It was as if he couldn’t bear to serve anyone a piece of cake without first taking a bite for himself.
Sign Five: they take credit for everything. If you are working for someone who makes everything about themselves and strains to give credit where it is due, you may be working with a narcissist. Narcissists cannot resist the opportunity to stake a false claim in success. They are also said to have a “disorder of listening”, deaf to any subject other than yours truly. If they are not the main topic, they will hijack the conversation. And it is common for them to replay the same stories of greatness over and over, as their book of actual accomplishments has few pages.
In the end, no one trusted Rishit. No one felt safe. Many felt devalued. Some were emotionally harmed. Few were amused. Nearly half the team left. The one thing Rishit could rightfully take credit for was a dysfunctional, low-morale, poor-performing team.
Understanding the narcissistic leader.
It may be hard to empathize with a person like Rishit because his behavior makes it easy to assume he is a bad person. But by understanding what’s behind his behavior, it is possible to view Rishit and other narcissistic leaders with compassion. Viewing narcissists in a positive light helps observe behavior rather than judge the person, however, this should not minimize the real harm they can inflict on others.
Imagine what it must be like to be a narcissist. You wake up each morning feeling shame and like an addict, you spend your day hunting for a hit self-praise. Petrified someone might discover you aren’t good enough; you can never have a truly deep and honest relationship with anyone. So far, your life is marked with shame, fear, and a shallow existence. To make matters worse, you are driven to prove your superiority, so you put down, push down, and hold down those around you. Negativity hangs on you like a drenched wool coat. No matter what you try, you can’t purge the pit of worthlessness swelling in your stomach.
Narcissists who suffer this way are often the products of a childhood scarred with unattainable expectations. The child was continuously criticized for not measuring up, or they were over-praised and led to believe they had superhuman capabilities. In both cases, the bar was set too high and they came to fear being seen as unworthy. To cope, these children learned to fake self-confidence, feign ability, and perpetuate false beliefs. They learned to self-medicate by bullying others. It is heartbreaking to think of a child riddled with self-doubt and shame, but this is the child who grows up to become Rishit.
How to cope with a narcissistic leader.
The first thing to recognize is narcissists, like most people, are unlikely to change. It’s a mistake to think you might be able to help a narcissist reform. Your strategy, therefore, should not hinge on rehabilitation.
This is one of the reasons a passive approach is ineffective with a narcissist. For them, each day is a battle against threats and a quest for validation. Once you are perceived as a hazard or vehicle for self-affirmation, you become a target. The simple act of possessing self-confidence is sufficient to trigger a narcissist’s insecurity. If they cannot use you to further their interests, they can hold you back, destroy your reputation, or otherwise impact your career. Work with a narcissist long enough and you are likely to be used, bruised, or abused.
Even assuming you survive unscathed, you can be affected in other ways. Consistent exposure to narcissistic behavior is like living next to a nuclear plant. Though you can’t see the radiation you are poisoned nonetheless. Narcissistic leaders fuel toxic environments where there is no trust, no safety, and no one feels valued. Over time, you may unconsciously mimic narcissistic behaviors because people are prone to mirror leaders. And as the culture becomes normalized, it’s harder and harder to distinguish harmful from effective leadership.
For those targeted by a narcissistic leader, the psychological effects can be lasting. A narcissistic leader creates a prolonged state of heightened anxiety. You are on constant alert, preparing for the next overt attack or covert operation intended to undermine you. A narcissist will continuously chip away at your confidence. Your self-worth is diminished and your self-esteem dwindles. And when you doubt yourself and your abilities, you get discouraged and your performance inevitably suffers. According to experts, it can take years to heal after severing ties with a narcissist.
What can you do to cope with a narcissistic leader? These are a few options, each with varying degrees of efficacy depending upon your situation:
· Option One: Do nothing. If you are deep in the organization with several degrees of separation, you might be safe. Keep your head down, stay quiet, and you may be able to avoid a narcissistic leader. However, keep in mind narcissists can be “micro-controllers” who need direct influence over everyone on the team. They connect personally to gain information they can use to command control. Though distanced, there is no guarantee you will remain out of reach and chances are, in time they will find you.
· Option Two: Remove yourself. The cleanest solution to dealing with a narcissistic leader is to remove yourself. If you are able, transfer to a different group. If that is not an option, find a job elsewhere. The best way to avoid a shark bite is to get out of the water. After working with a narcissist, it is advisable to carefully evaluate the next opportunity to avoid “rinse, wash, repeat” traps. Narcissists love power so you are apt to frequently find them in leadership positions. Pay heed to that strangely comfortable feeling you get when you meet a prospective manager, it may be a hint you are about to replace one narcissistic leader with another.
· Option Three: Play along. If you are willing to compromise your convictions (and to some extent your self-respect), you can play the narcissistic leader’s game. Give them the attention, affirmation, and admiration they need. Don’t disagree with or contradict them. Make them look good and let them take credit for your ideas and your accomplishments. This approach should make the situation tolerable but it may be difficult to sustain for long periods. First off, if you plan to advance your career, donating your ideas and work product to another is probably not the best strategy. And don’t bet on the narcissist feeling any sense of obligation to promote, recognize, or reward you in return for your servitude. Even those who play the game are not immune from belittlement, back-door criticism, or manipulation.
· Option Four: Ignore them. If your position allows, ignore the antics of the narcissistic leader. Set boundaries and enforce them. Don’t flinch when they attempt to take credit for your contributions. Remain unemotional when they verbally attack or belittle you. Go full Zen in their presence and be unaffected by their grandiosity. Listen but don’t share, respond but don’t volunteer, provide facts but not opinion. Anything they get from you can, and will, be used against you. Document charged interactions in writing and keep a record of important communications. This strategy won’t fix the situation but if it may make it bearable and keep you protected until the leader is replaced.
· Option Five: Assisted self-destruction. This last option may be appealing to those who have nothing to lose, are passionate about preventing harm to the team, or want to take a stand against enabling narcissistic behavior in the workplace. Because narcissists are easily triggered and emotional, they are particularly susceptible to implosion. Undermine their greatest desires — being the best, being right, being powerful — and in time they may self-destruct. Hail the superiority of others. Show up with divine confidence. Divert attention away from them. Question their point of view and challenge them with data. Be unimpressed with their purported greatness and call them on grandiose claims by requesting specific examples. When they attack, be amused and perhaps chuckle when they get in your face. But be warned, this could be a dangerous, protracted process. You can expect a swift and aggressive response from a narcissistic leader. You must be courageous and resolute to survive the journey.
Whichever approach you choose, let you be guided by an awareness of how a narcissistic leader can impact a person and an organization, and an understanding of the deeply inflicted psyche influencing them. You may not be able to change the person or the situation, but you have an opportunity to choose how to manage both in a way that preserves what is most important to you.
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